The things that come to mind when I think of January:
Alejandro went on his first arctic adventure!
The little guy did great, and he even got himself a tiny icicle.
The day was full of snow angels, ice fishing, and trudging through the snow.
It was all fun and games until Katelyn’s foot broke through the frozen lake.
‘Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!’
– I shouted while doing nothing to help because I didn’t want to let go of my hand warmers.
At one point I drove a snow plow.
And I did a great job.
I apologize for the low quality picture. This isn’t a selfie, and my regular photographer had clocked out for the day.
Icicles on Alejandro? Cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
Icicles in Casa De Awesome? Time to admit that I have a problem.
I guess I should turn on my heater.
Dani: ‘Will you take me to get my car? It’s been at work for the past few days. The roads are getting better, and I really should go get it.’
Friend: ‘Sure. Go start your car and come sit back in my car. Let yours warm up for a while.’
Dani: ‘Good idea.’
Dani: ‘Welp. The doors are locked.’
Friend: ‘You started your car and then locked the doors?’
Dani: ‘NOOOOOO! I started the car and the keyless entry must have freaked out and locked itself. Alejandro wouldn’t have done this. Alejandro cares about me.’
Friend: ‘Do you have a spare?’
Dani: ‘My spare keyless entry is at my Aunt and Uncle’s house..’
Friend: ‘Let’s go.’
As I watched my friend leave the parking lot after returning me to my running vehicle, I learned a valuable lesson:
Keyless entry doesn’t work if the vehicle is already running.
Keyless entry is a fickle whore with too many rules.
Co-Worker: ‘Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to disconnect your battery..’
Dani: ‘How will you do that, if I can’t pop the hood for you?’
Co-Worker: ‘*Expletive.* It can still be done. Just depends on how tight your fan belt is..’
Dani: ‘Yeah, I’m calling AAA.’
AAA and I are becoming close friends.
Days without coffee.
‘I feel awful. Could this be related to my lack of coffee consumption the past two days?’
Dani: ‘SUPERVISOR! I’ve cracked the code. Listen to this: Headache? Got it. Fatigue? I literally slept all day yesterday. And I snuck away for 15 minutes while you were gone to nap in the quiet room. That stays between us. Depressed mood or irritability? I’ve been snappy this morning. I’ll admit it.’
Customer 1: ‘She has been snappy. She snapped at me. Remember?’
Dani: ‘No one asked you. Difficulty concentrating? Yup. Got it.’
Customer 2: ‘Exactly how many years are these withdrawals supposed to last? You’ve had them for a while..’
Dani: ‘Shut up. And flulike symptoms such as nausea or muscle pain. That’s what I’ve been complaining about all day!’
‘This is the addiction services hotline. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction to drugs or alcohol, press 1.’
Dani: ‘That’s just freaky. Which one of you narks tipped them off? Snitches get stitches, son.’
Customer 1: ‘Want me to pour you a cup of java real quick.’
Customer 2: ‘You need eye cups. Take it through the eyes. That’s the best way to do it. Tear ducts.’
Customer 1: ‘Weird. That must be a firefighter thing.’
Customer 2: ‘We’re tough. Pretty, pretty tough. Yeah.’
Dani: ‘Go away.’
Days with coffee.
I took a break from my ‘no coffee’ stint in honor of a breakfast date with Padre.
I can’t make fun of all the cream and sugar he uses if I’m not willing to pound 6 cups of black coffee to show him that he raised a real man.
And sweet baby Jesus, it was good.
Praise His holy name.
There’s nothing like being reunited with the gentle caress of a former lover. Am I right?
Thomas: ‘What did the pirate say when he turned 80? He said, ‘Arrrrrr! I’m 80.”
Dani: ‘There’s a concert at Rocky Tonk next week. It’s this guy. He wears a straw hat.’
Valeri: ‘Oh, he’s about to F-up someone’s garden. I can tell.’
Dani: ‘Well now I can’t take this concert seriously.’
Valeri: ‘Just picture a tiny gnome leaning on his foot.’
Dani: ‘You ruin everything good in my life.’
Valeri: ‘It’s not on purpose. I promise.’
*At the concert*
Dani: ‘He has lawn mowers in the trailer attached to his bus. You were right. Keep an eye on your foliage.’
Valeri: ‘I knew it. All you have to do is look at the guy. You can tell.’
Needy text messages.
It had been 32 hours.
Clearly my love language is gifts.
I cropped my abs of steel out of this screenshot. It pained me to do it. But modest is hottest.
‘Alejandro’ was my most read blog post, ever.
By a long shot.
I suspect it’s because I announced it with this Facebook post:
Apparently I’ve got some ghost followers with a weird emotional investment in my love life.
Good to know.
Dani: ‘Is this your way of inviting me over?’
Friend: ‘Yes it is. I just feel bad making you get out of bed because I know you’re probably comfy and I’m being selfish and wanting you to come over because I want you to.’
Dani: ‘You are being selfish. I just got out of the bath. But I’ll come over. Because that’s what friends are for. But I’m not wearing a bra. And I’m bringing laundry. And I’ll need you to make me a quesadilla. And some hot cocoa. And I’ll need to stay the night, because the roads will become too bad for me to drive home. But it’ll be okay. Because your child can scream from 0:300-05:30. I don’t need to sleep.’
Friendship is about compromise.
Dani: ‘I have a problem. I can drink like a fish and I don’t get hangovers. The day after my birthday, I was counting drinks. I got to 11, that I could remember. I felt fine. No headache. No upset tummy. Just a little sleepy. Long story short, you’ve raised an incredible specimen.’
Dad: ‘Oh, good.’
Co-Worker: ‘Can we get matching tattoos? So people will know that you’re my work wife? We can each get half of a circle. Together it’ll make a full circle. OH! Or a panda bear. We can each get a panda bear. On the inside of our elbow. That way, if either of us fall into a drug addiction, the need can just go right in the bear’s nose, or something.’
Dani: ‘Then we can say things like, ‘Someone’s craving some black-tar heroin! I’ll give you a hint..it’s my Vein Panda.”
Teacher: ‘Danielle, welcome to the new term. I see you’re still quiet.’
Dani: ‘It’s for the greater good, I promise.’
Teacher: ‘Oh, I know.’
Matthew: ‘Make yourselves at home.’
Dani: ‘If this were my home I’d be sitting behind that desk making Anchor Man jokes. I’ll call Ellie ‘Tits McGee’ all day long.’
Teacher: ‘Draw a picture of what the target market for your project looks like.’
Teacher: ‘Wow. Your target market is actually really accurate. Why don’t you two run with this. You seem to know him pretty well.’
Dani: ‘Yeah I do, I keep dating him.’
‘He’s a blue-collar worker who is already certified in a trade. 20-35 years old, a family man. He’s tired, but he’s happy. Because that’s a PBR in his hand.’
Dani: ‘Sorry that I put a hole in your fence, Grandpa. I don’t know how that arrow got away from me.’
I got to work at 07:06 with puffy eyes.
The doors were locked, the Mail Tribune unread, and this chair empty.
‘For the love of God, Ron Brady! Why couldn’t you just drink Jameson?!’
-Ticia and I shouted after being denied Black Velvet at four different locations, before finally heading to Carl’s Jr. and a liquor store.
And lots more adventures.
When your best friend is manless and childless for the first time in your entire friendship,
You go to an Aaron Carter concert.
You get a man’s ponytail in and around your mouth.
You get mad.
You leave before Aaron Carter hits the stage, because three openers before the headliner is just insane, and you’re sleepy.
You get sweet potato fries.
You drive past the venue once more and see that Aaron Carter is parked directly behind Alejandro.
You laugh at Aaron Carter for driving himself to his own concert.
You go home and go to bed.
And you only have this low-quality picture to commemorate the whole evening.
Stay tuned for February.
I start the month in Texas, you won’t want to miss it.
😉 🙂 😀