When every area of your life is crashing down around you, the best thing to do is hide from the world until things straighten out.
That’s where I’ve been.
And here’s what I’ve been up to:
(I’m about to hit you with a lot of information. Grab some coffee.)
On Thanksgiving, I spent the day with some great people.
Many more are not pictured, obviously.
I was sat on a lot.
I spent the day making fun of my aunt’s doggo for having a bad attitude:
Days later she was taken to the vet and diagnosed with a severe infection in some major organs.
And I was diagnosed with being a severe and major douchebag.
In other news:
I took some naps.
I snuggled some puppers and some tiny tikes.
I engaged in the following conversation regarding body image:
Friend: ‘Think about how incredible we would look if we put effort into eating well and exercising.’
Dani: ‘Check out how incredible we look now. And we’re saving time and money by doing neither of those things.’
Friend: ‘That’s what I’m saying. If we did make an effort, we’d look EVEN BETTER.’
Dani: ‘You’re adorable. Eat some more spicy pimento dip.’
Friend: ‘I’ve had enough. And you should stop too. You remember how upset your tummy was last time.’
Dani: ‘Yeah, but I’ve eaten a lot of spicy things lately. I’ll be fine. My body has built up a tolerance.’
One of us was very wrong that night;
And very regretful the next morning.
At one point, I was caught playing peek-a-boo with a Great Horned Owl..
And standing at an exhilarating distance from this beautiful representation of American freedom.
He’s been in movies, by the way. I’m practically famous by association.
– We were heard shouting throughout the halls.
(I had many options of significant national milestones for us to shout in this joke,
And I tested many of them.
**When using Google to spell check the word ‘dysentery,’ make sure you’re not on ‘Images.’ That’s a mistake I’ll only make once!**
But in first grade, I failed a Thanksgiving spelling test because I forgot how to spell ‘Plymouth;’
Despite the hours my daddy spent teaching me to pronounce it ‘ply-mouth’ in preparation for the fateful exam.
‘Your mother drives a Plymouth Voyager for crying out loud! How could you forget ‘Ply-Mouth?!’
– My father shouted in disbelief after I shared the news of my low test score.
On that day, I vowed that I would learn to spell ‘Plymouth’ and make my father proud.
Hence ‘PLYMOUTH ROCK!’ was chosen,
To show my dad that I finally did it.
I learned to spell ‘Plymouth.’
And I’ve now used it so many times that it’s lost all meaning.)
I think we can all agree that this joke got out of hand.
Time to move on.
I’ve invested significantly in this bad boy and am now being referred to as ‘The Silent Killer’ by many:
Male: ‘Do you want to get into bow hunting? Or just target practice?’
Dani: ‘Just practice for now. I’ve thought about going after some turkey. But I don’t want to clean what I get.’
Male: ‘The secret is to go with people who have been hunting for a long time. And take a dull knife. They’ll get frustrated with you and just take over.’
Dani: ‘I’m very pretty. I’ve been hoping that will cause someone to do it for me.’
Male: ‘Yeah, I didn’t want to be the one to say it. But yeah.’
I’ll be inviting him hunting next October.
I went on to look fantastic at our company Christmas party.
This skirt cost me $1.25,
And I won ‘Most likely to push your car to work.’
This flashlight will come in handy next time I’m stranded on the freeway in the middle of the night.
I can use it to open the hood and pretend I know what I’m looking at while shaking my fist at the heavens;
And I can use it to shine a ‘Save the Princess’ signal into the sky to alert Tow Truck Driver Joe that I need rescued once again.
My prestigious award and new title gave way to the following conversation:
Dani: ‘I have the worst car in the company.’
FedEx Man: ‘You just need a Sugar Daddy. Hey! You could actually get one!’
Dani: ‘I appreciate your unwavering support.’
FedEx Man: ‘You’ve got all the credentials. That’s all I’m saying.’
I bet he thinks I’m pretty.
Christmas festivities continued as I had the fabulous good fortune of strolling down Candy Cane lane with my dear cousin.
It was during this lovely night that I also had a run-in with Guy at Church who Publicly Insulted My Comedic Talents During Announcements That One Time.
Lucky for him, my trusty archery equipment was out of arm’s reach;
Grandma had me decorate a gingerbread cookie army.
She doesn’t mess around with holiday treats.
Here we see *Nsync and the Backstreet boys working on choreography.
Reunion tour coming soon.
Cookie decorating is hard work.
It’s important to take a break and squeeze in some target practice.
My newfound archery obsession has caused people to refer to me as ‘The Muscle’ for obvious reasons.
Here I am, taking a break from the potato chip bowl at a party to show off for a crowd.
On to another Christmas party!
The night had a tumultuous start:
Then suddenly, the night took the best possible turn:
We are simple people to please.
After 10 months of creative block , I finally designed some new shirts for work.
We had a photoshoot in which Calvin “Renegade” OfficeMate enticed Valeri to go full lemur:
I made this festive veggie tray for Christmas Eve dinner:
And I wore this zesty little number to work on Christmas day:
I once had a male tell me that my eyes look like limestone.
‘Like, like a green limestone.’
The idiocy of that statement makes it my favorite pick-up line, ever.
‘Wanna smell my bedroom?’ comes in at a close second.
‘Where’s the closest hotel? By the way, my friend thinks you’re really beautiful.’ is a strong third.
Christmas day ended with a non-traditional Holiday dinner:
I stole some snuggles from these cute babies..
And went on some dates with a couple handsome guys.
Sometimes we explored the woods.
**Disclaimer: He ventured behind the target once my quiver was empty. He was in no danger. And maybe I did remove the least impressive arrows from my target before snapping this picture. Don’t worry about it.
Sometimes we laid on a kitchen floor and read about the difference between a fire truck and a fire engine.
This very strange year concluded with the following conversation:
Dani: ‘My New Year’s Resolution is the be better at clocking in and out everyday. New year, new me, you know?’
Accountant: ‘There must be bigger and better things you can use your resolution for.’
Dani: ‘There’s not. I’m perfect in every other way. This ‘time clock’ contraption is my only shortcoming.’
And the sweetest New Year’s Kisses:
Please, Lord Jesus, let 2017 make more sense than 2016 did.
😉 🙂 😀