Dani is a Nanny.

‘I’ll watch your children!’
– I said. 

‘It will be fun!’
– I said.

‘My kids have been sleeping in, so you can just relax and drink coffee until about 8 or 9!’
– She said. 

Guess how many of us were wrong.

At 6:55, I was spit-up on for the second time of the day.
Enjoy the following action shot:

P.S: That’s not formula.
It’s breastmilk.
From my friend.
It came out of her lady-boob,
Went into his baby-tummy,
And then suddenly, it was on my hand.
It’s just been inside too many people-bodies.
And now it’s on mine.
I don’t like it.

I’ve decided to amputate at the shoulder.
After weighing my options, it’s the only logical way to handle the situation.
The information is in my head.
I can’t stop thinking about it.
I just really need my arm off of my body right now.

At 7:12 I pulled a very confused 19 month-old from his bed chambers. 

After a lengthy discussion, we both agreed on the terms that I am, in fact, not his mama.

With the offer of breakfast food on the table, he decided that I could be trusted and we ventured to the kitchen. 
(I’ve learned one thing about men in my 25 years, and one thing only; they will agree to almost anything, as long as there is an offer of breakfast foods. Test it. It will work. Want a puppy? Offer some waffles. It’s science.)

‘Breakfast Success’ came to screeching halt when i accidentally fed him a piece of sausage that was much too warm.
Just like that, all trust I had achieved was diminished;
We were back at square one.

‘Shall we visit Mama after breakfast?!’

Relationship restored. 

With both children inappropriately dressed for the inexplicably rainy weather, we headed for the car.

‘Pretend you’re wearing a jacket!’
– I shouted at the older one.

‘Don’t kick the blanket off! The world shouldn’t know that you’re not wearing socks. Or pants..’
– I whispered to the infant. 

Upon exiting the driveway, the toddler alerted the neighborhood that his stuffed monkey had not been included on this field trip.

Which is wildly unacceptable.
Through the rain I ran to retrieve the lost stuffy.

Dani the Nanny is a hero. 

Then there was a whole fiasco with the closing of the garage door. 
It doesn’t matter.

After a short visit with Mama, we returned to the house and both children fell fast asleep. 

‘I don’t know what you moms are always complaining about. This is easy.’
– I JOKINGLY texted Baby-Mama while I drank coffee, ate my second quesadilla, and read a book. 

After a 45 minute nap, I awoke to find myself covered in my own drool.
The children slept on!

Soon after I awoke, my relaxing day of child-rearing came to a screeching halt:
The little one got a toothache.

‘TO THE CAR! We don’t need pants at a time like this!’
– I shouted at the naked toddler.

After a 15-minute aimless drive, everyone had regained control of their emotions, and we decided we could handle retrieving Mama from work.

‘The baby started screaming. Like, ‘red-faced, wouldn’t-breath, I had to make a conscious effort not to shake him’ screaming. We had to act quickly! He always falls asleep in the car, so I buckled him in and took a chance. And it worked! But then I had to dress your other child in the parking lot. I think people judged me more for that, than if I had just left him naked. Whatevs. They’re not mine.’
– I confessed to Baby Mama, who assured me that I did a great job.

Which is all we really need to hear, sometimes.

‘No time for kisses, Nanny! I have copt-copts to watch.’ – Pinto Bean.

– Dani
😉 🙂 😀